Have you ever seen the words hoarding and boundaries used in the same sentence before? I don’t think I have. They are together here because I think there is an opportunity to help a person challenged by hoarding or over-collecting by asking them to think differently about boundaries.
The Challenge of Boundaries in Hoarding
Applying boundaries to a home that has been filled to overflowing is challenging. This is true whether a person has a diagnosed hoarding disorder or has hoarding tendencies.
As a reminder, below are some of the characteristics of a true hoarding disorder
- Difficulty parting with possessions driven by the belief they need to save them even if they have little or no value
- Distress at the thought of letting something go
- Rooms cluttered to the point they can’t be used for their original design
This differs from general clutter as it has a huge impact on the way in which a person can live. When there is general clutter in a home, the homeowner will usually be able to make decisions to remove or rehome it and the clutter typically does not invade all the areas of the home.
The boundaries I want to talk about in this post are physical boundaries. Ones that are self-defining as in a drawer, a cupboard, shelf, closet or room.
I am aware that asking someone who has been collecting and hoarding things for a long time to limit themselves is difficult. They do not think in terms of a space being full, they are more likely to move on and fill another space when the first area is difficult to access.
Reasons Boundaries and Hoarding Feel Impossible
- A Different Perspective on Space: People with hoarding tendencies often don’t think about the boundaries their collections cross or exceed. They don’t recognize the space their collection takes up.
- Emotional Attachment to Things: Items are often viewed as holding the memory of an event or a person. The belongings can serve to represent who they were or what they did at different times in their lives.
- The “More Is Better” Mindset: This mindset promotes the belief that acquiring more enhances their security or will allow them to be prepared in the future. A belief that they are holding onto things ‘just in case’ they may be needed.
Most of us can relate to this if we look back at our behavior during the height of the Covid pandemic. Things like toilet paper and other staples disappeared from stores. These things were hoarded ‘just in case’ we couldn’t find them.
- Difficulty Making Decisions: Many people challenged by hoarding also have difficulty making decisions. They worry they may be making a wrong decision and struggle with ‘what if’ scenarios.
The Impact of an Expanding Collection
Unfortunately, the impact of the accumulation of things has a negative effect on family members or housemates. This creates tension between the people who occupy the home and puts a strain on their relationships. The question remains; how can family members help someone put boundaries on hoarding?
Shifting the Mindset: How to Begin Establishing Boundaries
Helping someone with hoarding tendencies to recognize the need for limits or boundaries requires a difficult conversation. They may acknowledge that they need to do something about the collections and the clutter. Probably, they will tell you that they will do it their way and on their time schedule. But, as we know, the project is probably overwhelming which makes it difficult to start.
What if instead of talking about boundaries as things which are imposed on the person’s stuff, we talk about the opportunity to showcase and highlight the collections in specific places? And we talk about safety as well as respect for the family’s shared spaces.
Defining Personal vs. Shared Space:
We can also help the person shift their mindset through a conversation about the ways in which other people in the home would like to use the space their collection (or hoard) is occupying.
Remember a conversation is a two-way street. It is one in which everyone participating takes turns to listen and share their thoughts without placing blame.
The hope is that during the conversation when everyone is actively listening, an agreeable plan can be created.
Recognizing the Need for Limits:
During the conversation, the family members can identify places in the home where things must be tidier. Places like the entry, the kitchen, the bathroom, and the family room are shared spaces. Keeping an excessive hoard away from these areas shows respect for everyone in the home and promotes safety.
Setting Small, Achievable Goals:
Instead of asking the person with hoarding tendencies to clean up the bathroom, ask them to clean and tidy the counter around the sink in the bathroom. That is a small, achievable goal. The measurable boundary is the countertop. Help them to figure out what will fit easily within this boundary.
Then help them to find easy to remember places to keep the things that don’t fit on the countertop. Think creatively. Maybe there is vertical space available to use near the counter. Perhaps the back of the bathroom door is a place to install some shelving.
Understanding the physical space provides boundaries which will naturally limit the amount that can be housed there.
Seeking Support:
Boundaries and hoarding will not exist happily together without some support. Family members and friends can help a loved one. But this sometimes backfires because of their close relationship. Therapists typically work with someone in their office. Professional organizers often go to the home and provide hands-on help. The best support is when the person challenged by hoarding works with a therapist, a trained professional organizer, and has trusted family members there to provide emotional support.
Conclusion: Boundaries and Hoarding
Creating boundaries with our belongings can be a difficult task for anyone. When we like something, a natural inclination may be to gather more of it. For someone who has hoarding tendencies determining boundaries is even more difficult.
Encouraging progress, reducing the hoard a little bit at a time, so that it will fit within the agreed upon boundaries takes patience and understanding.
Ask the person challenged by hoarding tendencies to think about boundaries differently. Boundaries set up by the family as a group can create better safety within the home and also a livable and peaceful environment for the entire family.
I would be happy to have a conversation with you about the ways in which boundaries can help within a hoarded home. Email me to schedule a free 30-minute phone consultation. dnqsolutions@gmail.com
Diane N. Quintana is the owner of DNQ Solutions, LLC. She is an ADHD Organizing Specialist, a Hoarding Specialist, and a Chronic Disorganization Specialist. Diane is also an ICD Master Trainer, Certified Professional Organizer in Chronic Disorganization, Certified Professional Organizer and co-owner of Release Repurpose Reorganize LLC based in Atlanta, Georgia. She specializes in residential and home-office organizing.
